Unsettled

I can’t say my life is fine.

But I can’t say it’s messed up either.

The charade I’ve been holding up seems to be working, and maybe that’s the problem.

A lot in me is unsettled.

I make plans I don’t follow. I’ve lost touch with the bits of wisdom that once held me steady.

I’ve lost what grounds me. And I’ve come to realize that we all need whatever it is that keeps us anchored.

We are told to live in the moment.

The advice is sound.

But what is the moment worth if it has nowhere to go?

Being fully present lets you do your best work, inhabit your best self, experience happiness as it arrives.

For that to matter, there must be a direction.

Even if it bends. Even if it winds and looks nothing like what you planned.

Nature bends but it does not stop.

Streams never go straight. They keep moving.

Sometimes moving forward means resisting your own nature. Nature contradicts itself.

I’ve made it through things. Sometimes by the skin of my teeth.

The margins scare me. The what-ifs. The close calls.

I tell myself it was part of the journey. Maybe it was. But the danger was real.

I know what I want. I have it laid out.

I know what poisons me.

The hard part isn’t naming it.

I haven’t drained the shallows.

And I don’t know why.